no inspiration whatsoever. panicking. annoyed. need summer.

this has happened before. i have an awesome idea in my head for a project that i really want to turn into art, but when i discuss it with a professor they give me "ideas" about my project that i don't necessarily agree with. the ideas sound good at the time, especially because i think i'll be better off doing what the professor wants because they're experienced and "knowledgeable", and i also want a good grade. but now im stuck because my inspiration was going in a certain direction, but it's like a fucking train came through and not only changed my path, but also wiped out half of the ideas that i had.
im talking specifically about my darkroom final project. i was soo excited about it, i had SO many good ideas, and i really thought it was going to be something that i could be proud of. but now i don't want to shoot, i don't want to see the images i've already shot, and im at a complete standstill in my thought process. i have two full days to work on this project, tomorrow and the day after, and in that time i need to shoot 4ish more rolls, develop them, and print at least 7 images. it's not the most amount of work i've ever had, and im not completely terrified about completing it, but im so annoyed that i am totally uninspired. this has turned into every other project that i've done so far in art school. it's turned into just another thing to get done. it's not fun anymore. i was going to have photoshoots at the boathouse, in parks, in people's houses, in the streets... but now i have to shoot everything in my living room with shitty lighting and NO ideas. my models probably hate me because i don't know what i want them to be doing. at this moment, i feel like it's the worst project in the world. im so angry with myself for listening to lauren when she told me to use a set location and a backdrop. that was such a lame idea!! she should have known better than to suggest that. i can't believe she did. and i can't believe i listened. she sucks. im so mad right now. i finally have a day off of practice when i can RELAX, but instead im so fucking panicked and annoyed and pissed. i fucking hate art school. i can't wait for this shit to be over. i really don't know if i'll pursue a career in photography after college. and not just because of this one project - im not that unstable. because of everything - art school has been hell for me. i don't understand why some people are still sane.

i need something, anything, to give me an idea - now, preferably.

summer break is 4 days away. I NEED SUMMER.

Finals Blow

who the fuck invented final projects? exams for regular classes are bad enough. art school is the worst idea anyone has ever had.... ever. fuck this.
studio isn't going the way i thought it would, darkroom is hopeless, and digital is a waste on my time.
college sucks.

Jeff Fucking Awesome Bridges. He's So Awesome.

He really is. Check out his website: jeff!!!

One day, I might be as goofy and as cool as Jeff. I hope.

19 credits, terrified.

i registered for classes this morning, but i've already adjusted my schedule. as of this morning, i was registered for 16 credits. i am now taking 19, which is one more than is allowed for a full-time student. so i'll have to pay an extra $288 (i think) for that extra 1 credit, but if i'm going to graduate on time, i need to buckle down. also, the extra class is just an art history lecture class, and those are easy as shit. seriously. but i'm scared to tell my dad that it's going to cost extra money, and i'm scared that the art history class will secretly be a lot of work. i know that i need to be extremely dedicated to crew next semester if i want to be captain next spring or my senior year, so time is a scary thing. the lack of time is more scary.

inspiration for my darkroom final project

the picture that started my inspiration is nowhere to be found online, so i'll describe it:
it's a black & white photograph taken by jeff bridges. it is of a woman on a swinging. she is at the height of her swing. she's wearing a dress and bedroom slippers. although i guess it could be a nightgown and flats, or a cross between the two. the woman is speaking on a telephone while swinging. it's a beautiful image, just like the rest of his work. i didn't know he was a photographer! he's very talented.
anyway, i saw this picture, and the first thought that popped into my head was: "why is she on the phone while she's swinging?". i imagine swinging to be a fun, meditative, relaxing activity. and while talking on the phone can be any of those things, it's usually about planning, and therefore slightly on the stressful side of the spectrum. so it seemed strange to me that these activities were paired together. then i thought, why do people multi-task? obviously to save time. but swinging and talking on the phone almost seems counter-productive. talking on the phone would distract me from the joy of swinging.
so then i thought, why do people do things that don't make sense? is it because we're not paying attention to our actions, the combination of our actions, or because we're stupid and don't realize what we're doing?
so my plan is to photograph people doing things that are counter-intuitive/productive, and allowing them to appear totally normal, while still giving off a vibe of ridiculousness. yes.

anger, continued.

...i am not finished with my anger.

you are SO self-centered. you get mad at me for not talking to you, so for you to turn off our friendship and ignore me for this long, is hypocritical. and i know how you feel about hypocrites. even though you are one of the most hypocritical people i know. you hate flakey people, but you cancel on me all the time. you get annoyed when your friends don't listen to you, but you don't ever take my advice. which is one of the reasons that we are not speaking. 

why the FUCK are you ignoring me?? you tell me that i'm your best friend and that you need me, and that you're sick of being alone and sad, but then you cut me out of your life. you are being immature. you complain that your mother is controlling and that she needs to treat you like the adult that you are because you are so responsible, yet you have no direction. i know she can be harsh, but you complain about the lack of parental involvement in your life, yet when she reaches out to you, you snap and shut down. 

you think that you're so fucking perfect and original and cool, but you are a mess. i love you, but you are a mess. and you do not have any power, or superiority, over me. so stop thinking that you do. and if you ever talk to me again, if you ever apologize for not speaking to me and telling me about your life, if you ever make this right again, you will need to respect me. i'm done with your bullshit. i want you to be a part of my life, but only if you add to it positively - i don't have the time or energy to deal with your drama. it feels like i have two lives, and when bad things happen in either of them, i suffer. but i only gain when good things happen in one of them.

also, you have to start being nice to me. you are rude as shit, and i'm so tired of it. if you don't like my clothes, my hair, etc., GET OVER IT. i don't tell you that you look like a mormon 95% of the time. i just tell you that you look cute. which you do... but like a cute mormon. so STOP telling me that i look like a mess, or whatever mean thing you have to say, because i don't treat you that way. i keep my mouth shut when i should, and you need to start doing the same.

i'm not actively waiting for you to talk to me, but you need to make the first move. i'm not coming back to you. if you want me in your life, you need to shape up, edit your attitude, and apologize.

untitled anger.

you have no right to judge me, you have no right to act superior to me just because you think you won. you didn't win anything, because lately you've both been acting like terrible people. i know i'm not perfect, but i don't pretend to be, and i'm fucking trying. you could have a little self-respect - it wouldn't kill you. it might even do you some good. and as for this competition that you've created between us, you will not overtake me. it's mine, and you can't take it from me. here's some advice - don't be such a bitch all the time, then maybe i could forgive you.

this has to do with photography because pain, betrayal, and loss are all a part of art for me. photography is the memory of a moment that i wouldn't actually remember - the random second that the shutter is pressed, i don't actually see the action in front of me. i need to look at negatives or a display screen to see the moment that i missed. 

if my pictures are just pretty, i don't get the credit i need in my classes. art school doesn't like pretty without reason. so pretty & painful is what i want to spend my time doing. aesthetics & depression is an interesting combination for me, and i want to explore them as much as possible. i love lace & tears, flowers & sad eyes, beautiful light & blood. i am fascinated by love & death.

here are some examples of the kind of photography i'm talking about:

discouragment

everything you say makes me want to quit. art needs to be something that i want so badly that i can't live without it, but you make it feel like work for me. you make it something that i hate to do, i hate to think about, and i hate to feel. i hate art school.

morning.

this is just wayyyy too fucking early. but.... this is crew. this is my life. and i wouldn't trade it for anything.

NEW CAMERA. FUCK YES.

just copped a nikon n65 35mm slr for $40. it's automatic, about 5 years old, barely used. now i can do my final project for darkroom and not fail the class :)

everything sucks.

today sucks. from the moment i woke up this morning with a hangover and bad memories of last night up until this moment, when i am sitting in my apartment alone, trying to convince myself to go to the gym and be social and kind instead of staying home and being grouchy, making massive amounts of pasta, and watching trashy t.v. by myself (ughh just typing that makes me want to do it so badly)... everything has sucked. and i mean every little thing.

it's a beautiful sunny day, but of course the fucking wind makes wearing a skirt and having long hair hell. my classes were all terrible, i had several near-panic attacks, im hungry, poor, and unprepared for the mean world. i hate everything right now. and i am angry that i feel this way, because these past few months have been so fun for me! i was finally enjoying being here, in this world, alive, and now im back to square one. i hate everything.

i feel helpless. at times like these, a normal artist would get out a pen or a paintbrush or a camera and create some beautiful, heart-wrenching art. but my attitude is: fuck it. i am angry and i don't give a fuck about art at the moment. considering that i am an art student with a dream of working for national geographic one day, this had better be a fucking phase. but if it's not... uh ohh.

i want advice, i want dinner, i want a hug. i want a friend. i want connection.

after all, i am fucking human.

alex prager: girl has it easy

why the fuck do some people get to do this shit for a living, and why can't i?

alex prager on thephotographypost

shane's constant lectures about how we need to get our act together and start acting like real photographers are great and everything (actually they suck, but i know he has a point, even if i don't want him to), but honestly i just want to be a photographer who gets to travel, take cool pictures, make lots of money, and eat really good food. there has to be a life for me that includes those things, where i don't have to kill myself trying to be successful. i want to enjoy life, i don't want to spend all day, every day, working working working so that i can one day be successful. i want to be happy on a regular basis, starting now.

life is complicated & hurtful & awkward

from one of my favorite movies, about a boy. definition of complicated, hurtful, and awkward. 

why can't shit be simple????????

what i care about!

i care about:

my friends
rowing
photography
my hometown (crozet/charlottesville)
traveling to foreign countries
movies that make a lasting impression
good quality food
nice weather
fashion
alcohol
quirky (but not weird) art
the environment
honesty
politics
vision (and everything that can be seen)
kindness
survival
cities
wild animals
good intentions
astronomy
the english language

there are so many things that i care about. it's very difficult for me to pinpoint one thing, or a few main things that i am deeply interested in because my mind is constantly curiously wandering around many topics and ideas. i wish i could answer every question that i have, about everything that i could ever think of. wondering is frustrating for me.

GODDAMMIT.

i hate drama and i hate stress. my life is filled with both. i want to have the time to focus on photography & crew & friends & myself but i just don't have any fucking time. and that makes me endlessly angry.

too.much.

i have so much work to do but no energy or time to complete it. i know that a lot of college students say they are busy and tired, but i am realizing that there simply aren't enough hours in the day for me to finish all of my school work, and im literally fighting to keep my eyes open at the moment. and it's only 2pm. i've gotten 4.5 hours of sleep every night this week, and it's showing. all i need is a nice, beautiful, rich man to come take me away from here...

old continental.

i have this camera^. i want it to work. i want to be one of those annoying people who thinks that using old, mostly broken cameras makes them cool or real or whatever. exceptttt i only think it will make me have cool pictures.

everyday i'm struggling.

broken cameras make photography more difficult than is fair.