morning.

this is just wayyyy too fucking early. but.... this is crew. this is my life. and i wouldn't trade it for anything.

NEW CAMERA. FUCK YES.

just copped a nikon n65 35mm slr for $40. it's automatic, about 5 years old, barely used. now i can do my final project for darkroom and not fail the class :)

everything sucks.

today sucks. from the moment i woke up this morning with a hangover and bad memories of last night up until this moment, when i am sitting in my apartment alone, trying to convince myself to go to the gym and be social and kind instead of staying home and being grouchy, making massive amounts of pasta, and watching trashy t.v. by myself (ughh just typing that makes me want to do it so badly)... everything has sucked. and i mean every little thing.

it's a beautiful sunny day, but of course the fucking wind makes wearing a skirt and having long hair hell. my classes were all terrible, i had several near-panic attacks, im hungry, poor, and unprepared for the mean world. i hate everything right now. and i am angry that i feel this way, because these past few months have been so fun for me! i was finally enjoying being here, in this world, alive, and now im back to square one. i hate everything.

i feel helpless. at times like these, a normal artist would get out a pen or a paintbrush or a camera and create some beautiful, heart-wrenching art. but my attitude is: fuck it. i am angry and i don't give a fuck about art at the moment. considering that i am an art student with a dream of working for national geographic one day, this had better be a fucking phase. but if it's not... uh ohh.

i want advice, i want dinner, i want a hug. i want a friend. i want connection.

after all, i am fucking human.

alex prager: girl has it easy

why the fuck do some people get to do this shit for a living, and why can't i?

alex prager on thephotographypost

shane's constant lectures about how we need to get our act together and start acting like real photographers are great and everything (actually they suck, but i know he has a point, even if i don't want him to), but honestly i just want to be a photographer who gets to travel, take cool pictures, make lots of money, and eat really good food. there has to be a life for me that includes those things, where i don't have to kill myself trying to be successful. i want to enjoy life, i don't want to spend all day, every day, working working working so that i can one day be successful. i want to be happy on a regular basis, starting now.

life is complicated & hurtful & awkward

from one of my favorite movies, about a boy. definition of complicated, hurtful, and awkward. 

why can't shit be simple????????

what i care about!

i care about:

my friends
rowing
photography
my hometown (crozet/charlottesville)
traveling to foreign countries
movies that make a lasting impression
good quality food
nice weather
fashion
alcohol
quirky (but not weird) art
the environment
honesty
politics
vision (and everything that can be seen)
kindness
survival
cities
wild animals
good intentions
astronomy
the english language

there are so many things that i care about. it's very difficult for me to pinpoint one thing, or a few main things that i am deeply interested in because my mind is constantly curiously wandering around many topics and ideas. i wish i could answer every question that i have, about everything that i could ever think of. wondering is frustrating for me.

GODDAMMIT.

i hate drama and i hate stress. my life is filled with both. i want to have the time to focus on photography & crew & friends & myself but i just don't have any fucking time. and that makes me endlessly angry.